A year since my Relationship breakup
Twelve months, fifty-two weeks, roughly 365 days — it’s been a year since my world fell apart and I experienced a relationship breakup.
It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I’m very glad it’s not this time last year.
I left on 12th August 2016 and so much has happened since. I’ve been through many “firsts” in the months that followed: the first holiday, the first Christmas, Easter, birthdays and other moments both big and small.
(And it’s almost a year of those brutal Facebook memories that pop up and hurt — I still haven’t figured out how to switch them off.)
So how do I feel after my relationship breakup?
That’s a tough question. I’m bruised, tired, exhausted and definitely changed. I’m not the same person I was before — and that’s taken a lot of processing. I’ve thought so much my brain feels worn out.
I have a sad heart for what could have been. Deep down, it still feels wrong. The whole event traumatised me — it’s a strong word, but the reaction was strong.
For a long time I felt like I was hanging on for dear life. What we go through shapes who we are and who we’ll become.
One of my biggest fears was losing other relationships after the split. I’m relieved to say that didn’t happen. It’s different, of course, but I still see those special people often and I always will.
You can never say never — no one knows what’s around the next corner.
I’m certainly much further forward now
I picked myself up and built a new life of sorts — different, exciting, lovely in many ways and at times a little lonely. But it’s only been twelve months.
I’m an over-thinker; I can’t just shrug things off. I need time to process, regulate my thoughts and mull them over.
I know I did nothing to be ashamed of. Accepting that took time, but I’m comfortable with my reaction and proud that I handled things with dignity.
At times I wanted to explode — I wrote many unsent letters — and sometimes I think a loud outburst might have released some pent-up anger. In the end, I’m proud I didn’t. I turned myself around, largely on my own.
Bad days still happen. It’s often not big events but small moments that catch you in the pit of your stomach: Sunday nights are still hard for me, certain places in London and particular songs can bring it all back.
The future after a relationship breakup
I’m not head-over-heels in love with someone new, but I’ve met a few lovely people and feel a lot of love from friends and family. This past year brought moments I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and I’ve even reconnected with parts of my past — which has felt wonderful.
Getting used to being single is strange and takes time. I went through deep anger but that has faded. I still feel the injustice of what happened and I admit I’ve smiled at a little karmic consequence I noticed — not proud, but human.
I believe people should take responsibility for their actions. What goes around comes around.
Friends?
My ex and I remain very good friends, which surprises some people. Others worry it will stop me moving on — I don’t believe that. We grew up together and share a lot of history. After twenty-three years together, that doesn’t simply disappear.
If I’m comfortable with the arrangement, then it’s my choice. For a while I wondered if those years were wasted, and that thought cost me many sleepless nights and tears. Slowly I realised I wouldn’t trade those years for anything — they were the best and remain part of who I am.
In that time I met people who mean the world to me, and those friendships will always be in my life.
Comfort after my world fell apart
My wonderful family, loyal friends and my blog Easypeasylemonsqueezy have been my lifelines. I don’t know what I would have done without them — it’s not an exaggeration to say they kept me going.
The breakup was traumatic and painful. I’m blessed with dear friends (three of them happen to be called Jane — we’re my “me’janes”) who supported me, celebrated with me and cried with me. Those are the people who truly count.
Excitement?
Twelve months on I feel alive, excited and wanted. I enjoy dating sometimes, although I expect it will be a while before I settle again. The ease and normality of a long relationship might take a long time to feel comfortable with.
I’ve also been reminded how short life is, and I can see myself with someone again. Maybe there’s one more relationship left in me — who knows? I’ve laughed a lot this year and had many great times. My 50th was wonderful; I expected it to be difficult without my ex, but it turned out to be amazing.
So that’s another lesson: good times can still happen when you least expect them.
Life after a relationship breakup
My dating adventures have often been hilarious — my friend and I have laughed until we cried. I laugh a lot now.
I live in my dream house on my own and I’ve finally found a place that feels like home. As a Cancer, creating a comfortable, welcoming home has been important. I love sitting in the garden with friends and entertaining.
Moving ten miles away had its challenges, but I now have lovely friends and neighbours and I’m genuinely happy here. (Plans are in for a kitchen extension!)
Time
They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes wounds leave scars. Looking back still hurts. Replaying the past is like watching the sad part of a movie — you already know what happens, and it still makes you sad.
Simple reassurances like “there are plenty of fish in the sea” or “time heals” are true, but life is complex and such phrases don’t always help. Those who’ve been there understand; those who haven’t may not fully grasp what it’s like when a life falls apart.
Forward
So we move forward — it’s the only option. Moving forward means carrying where we came from, and that past stays with us even after we’ve physically left.
Here’s to the next twelve months — an adventure ahead for me and for Easypeasylemonsqueezy, my blog and my saviour.
It’s been a year since my relationship breakup, and here I am.
I write these posts to connect with people who have been there or are there now, to put feelings into words and to share. Writing helps me process what I’ve been through.
Please leave a comment — I love hearing from you.
This may be my last post about the breakup — perhaps. If you want context, reading my earlier posts about relationships might help.
Love as always Cx